May 142011

NC, going fearlessly where no other lit mag has gone before, dares to reveal the newest in American art forms— customer reviews. Possibly this is the NEW THING. Inventive, witty, and ENDLESS. (Thanks to Melissa Fisher for pointing out yet another cultural weirdness—she seems to have an eye for this stuff.)

These customer reviews are from an ad for Uranium Ore (yes, you can buy anything at—it’s not just about books). Look at the whole list. Then forget writing short stories and poems and unleash your creativity here.


Better Than Steroids, May 8, 2011

By TheGilmore

This review is from: Uranium Ore

I’ve always wanted to be an IFBB Pro Bodybuilder, but I never had the means to do it. Steroids are hard to find for a college student with little means. As I was walking to the bus stop from class, I saw some Libyans in the parking lot. I can never resist their deals at the swamp meet, so I decided to check out what they were selling. Lo and behold, they had this wonderful yellow cake. I asked them what it could do, and they told me I would gain muscle mass like you wouldn’t believe. They also muttered something about tumors, but I’m sure they were joking. Those crazy Libyans.

Eager to use the stuff, I opened it up before getting on the bus. I noticed the effects right away. A vein in my hand burst open, but that means it’s working. By the time I came to my stop, I couldn’t fit through the door without turning sideways. My lat spread was incredible. I’ve already contacted the IFBB officials that they need to reinforce the stage for the Mr. Olympia contest. I’m coming for you Jay Cutler.

By the way, the yellow eyes are a neat little feature.

It killed my neighbors, and made my son a zombie., April 10, 2011

retard chris
This review is from: Uranium Ore

When I first picked up Uranium Ore for my son’s science project, he wanted to make a nuclear reactor, so in his three wolf moon t-shirt, he worked tiredly at it.He picked up a spoonful of Uranium ore powder and dropped it on his three wolf moon t-shirt, the moon on the shirt started to glow and the wolves eyes turned red, and a cloud of smoke and lightning picked up items around his room, makaing them into a reactor. When he stepped out of our house with his three wolf moon t-shirt and reactor in tow, women immediatly started to crowd him, but quickly bled to death from the radiation exposue. He was appearently a walking corpse form the dead at this point, seeing he wore no NBC suit and had no teeth. The three wolf moon t-shirt kept luring the women to my son, and they started dying in piles. He won first place, however, but some guys showed up in suits and took him to some place called “gitmo”. It sounds like some sort of tropical island so im sure that was his prize from the fair. We can’t visit or call him though, and I need to tell him that we arn’t allowed within 15 miles of our town,

Pros: Upgraded three-wolf moon t-shirt, won him a lifetime vacation

Cons: Destroyed our town

via Customer Reviews: Uranium Ore.

  One Response to “Numéro Cinq Uncovers New American Art Form”

  1. And more on the Three Moon Wolf t-shirt:

    “She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew”

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