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The judge's cat, clearly suffering from intense Aphorism Contest anxiety

Yes, the death threats, the bribes, and blackmail have begun. The pressure on the judge is incredible at this point. How do you decide between one great entry and another? The judge is drinking vodka neat morning til night; he’s taken up smoking; he’s found a bottle of painkillers from his knee surgery (or possibly they are antibiotics for the dog). Nothing helps. He is thinking of just taking all the entry fees and prize money and flying to Mexico til this blows over.

I should add that the People’s Choice contest is a complete mess at this point with a three-way tie. Could someone please go to the post and break the tie?

The Finalists

A loss of face requires more than plastic surgery to fix.
Natalia Sarkissian
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Zoloft does more than Nietzsche could
to make you feel neither bad nor good.
William Hathaway
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In the egg of procrastination, there is the yolk of fun.
C.M. Mayo
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People who live in glass houses understand the greenhouse effect.
Steven Axelrod
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A mapped world is always small.
Nina Alvarez
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Fuck the ineffable.
Gwen Mullins

Here is the first cut, the best, to my mind, of the entries. Some had to be eliminated, inevitably, despite all the wit and enthusiasm they exhibited. Nonetheless, I expect death threats. That’s why the judge’s name has been withheld.

The most curious cat has no interest in the price of dog food.
Steven Axelrod
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Essays are fictions in which writers efface themselves, pretending they are not there, perhaps even believing it. Ideas are an essay’s themes, used to produce the illusion of substance; facts are the details the story teller selects to give the impression of reality. Its plot is the progression of its argument, which, as in fiction, moves to the consummation of some desire, or the destruction of another.
Gary Garvin
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Beware the aphorism: a leading cause of spontaneous aneurysm.
Jacob Glover
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Aph or isms – take your pick.
Julie Larios
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A loss of face requires more than plastic surgery to fix.
Natalia Sarkissian
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Read the rest!

I’ve culled through the original contest post for legitimate entries. By “legitimate,” I mean not quotations from other writers or lines stolen from Jonah. I also, regretfully, eliminated my own entries. Here is the list so far (let me know if anyone feels unjustly left off). Entries are now officially closed. But some of you voted before some of the latest entries came in. See below or check entries and comments on the original contest post.

Please feel free to cast votes for your favourite in the comments section (no secret ballot); I’ve decided there will be two winners, one chosen by the judges, and one chosen by readers. Read the entries carefully; some of them are actually multiple entries. Anyone who cares to can vote; this isn’t restricted to students or former students.

Some rules of the road: 1) Don’t vote more than once. You can enter more than once, but you can’t vote more than once. 2) Check to make sure you know what an aphorism is before your vote. (I know, I know–I’m a pedant.) 3) You can change your vote as long as you make it clear that this is what you’re doing. 4) You can add supporting commentary to your vote. 5) Make sure you are clear in your comment/ballot which aphorism you are voting for.

Here’s a running tabulation of results as of 5pm, April 8

Lucy! (my dog) An aphorism is 2 votes (a third vote, from Gary’s son, is in dispute because he didn’t actually vote himself; also Gary wrote [somehow channeling my dog, I guess] the aphorism and voted for himself–not necessarily against the rules; also Robin, who voted for it, is uncertain if it is an aphorism–as usual the People are a fractured and disputatious lot)

Michele Irwin For Bard 2 votes

Axelrod Donne… 2 votes

Axelrod When you wish 1 vote

Axelrod There is nothing quite 1 vote

Lucy! (my dog) An aphorism is 1 vote

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Talk is cheap — because supply exceeds demand.

Steven Axelrod

March 15, 2010 at 4:05 pm Edit
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Read the rest…