Apr 252011
 

Artist's rendering of a typical NC award winner. This is not the actual winner of the 2011 NC Aphorism Contest, but close enough. No animals were harmed in the production of this image.

DG woke the judges with a stick this morning and threw chunks of raw meat into their cage, rousing them enough to elicit a final judgment in the 2011 Numéro Cinq Aphorism Contest. It was a straight up/down vote: a paw in the air meant yes; no paw in the air meant no. (Wait a sec. There seems to be something wrong with the script. Didn’t we send this back for a rewrite?)

Rewrite: The esteemed and sapient NC judges have issued their writ; the smoke has risen from the chapel chimney, and (after the fire department left) a winner has been chosen. As is often the case, the competition at the top was fierce, bloody, internecine, sinister, foamy and radical. Really, the finalists were sublime. They all should have won, but it is the duty of a culture to crown its very best productions so that the culture, by competition, might better itself. In truth, there was much wit and arrogance in evidence, especially wit, puns, wordplay, reversals. Lovely stuff. Which, yes, required the judges to elaborate their critical demand. This time, all entries being equal on so many levels, the judges had to take into consideration the index of provocation–what was attacked? how deeply did the reader have to think to parse the aphorism?

And so the winner is:

To speak of heaven is to underestimate eternity.

—John Webster

This is a sly, understated, straightforward aphorism, a balanced antithesis, heaven v. eternity, that yet uproots the foundation of Western philosophy, Christianity, all religion perhaps, by simply pointing to a logical incongruence of vast consequence.

John Webster, BTW, is one of dg’s former students dating from eons ago, in the time before time, when dg used to do the summer workshop circuit across Canada. He lives in Fredericton, New Brunswick (also home of Mark Anthony Jarman and dg’s publisher Goose Lane Editions, thus very close to the Centre of the Universe). This, of course, does not imply that any favouritism came into play. DG does not know the judges personally. Aside from feeding them and taking them for walks, he has nothing to do with their deliberations.

The finalists for the 2011 NC Aphorism Contest are here (so you can check the judges’ decision for yourselves). A complete entry list is here. The People’s Choice Winner is here.

dg

Apr 012011
 
For voters unaccustomed to picking a winner, it will look something like this. (This is a computer simulation not meant to represent any real writer living or dead. No animals were harmed during the production of this image.)

 

Entries for the Second Annual Numéro Cinq Aphorism Contest are officially closed. As usual with NC competitions, the adjudication now splits into two streams. While the ancient & sapient judges retire to their secret meeting place (the NC travel agent found a very cheap hotel with a beach view in Libya—cases of Talisker had to be shipped in), you, the people, yes, YOU! get to choose the People’s Choice winner.

This is always a joyful and entertaining aspect of the contest judging. You get to read the entries, comment and vote or vote with commentary or just comment on the generally high quality, the wit, the arrogance, and the intelligence of the entries.

The official entry list is here. PLEASE VOTE IN A COMMENT TO THIS POST (NOT ON THE ENTRY LIST).

Helpful hints on judging literary contests can be found here! This is the actual handbook used by the official NC judges.

Read the entries, kick yourselves for not having entered this esteemed and wildly popular competition (if you didn’t), and place your votes in the comment box beneath this post.

You have one week (April 1 to midnight April 7) to place your votes!

Don’t forget to actually read the entries before voting!

And please quote the entry and the name of the author you vote for.

dg

RUNNING TABULATION OF VOTES

Gary Garvin’s “blue dog”   1 vote

John Webster’s: If you speak of heaven, you underestimate eternity. (or something like that.)   1 vote

Peter Chiykowski When someone says, “It’s a free country,” he is usually misunderstanding the difference between exercising civil liberty and being an asshole.  1 vote

Peter Chiykowski for: There’s no ‘condescending prick’ in ‘team’.     1 vote

Steven Axelrod’s “Money doesn’t buy happiness, but donations are appreciated”.   1 vote

Sarah Braud: You know you’re in trouble when you envy the girl in the “before” picture.  1 vote

Prophetic preachers aren’t. (John Webster)     1 vote

Richard Hartshorn “If the shoe fits, you still have growing to do”    4 votes

Axelrod’s “People say ‘Good Question’ when they don’t know the answer.”  1 vote

Jonah Glover’s apple eating aphorism  1 vote

Richard Hartshorn “If you can’t say something nice you’re probably watching Dancing with the stars”   1 vote

The fuzzy math of bad writing: rounding off any thought to the nearest cliche. (Steven Axelrod – putative King of the Aphorisms)    4 votes  (a couple of votes strayed to the wrong post, but I think I found them)

Axelrod: Doing does it.    2  votes  (2 votes placed on the entry list by mistake)

Axelrod: The essence of modern alienation: a man crossing to the shady side of the street on the first sunny day of spring, to see the screen of his smart phone.     2 votes (also misplaced on the entry list, I think)

Axelrod: When in doubt, watch the horizon and wait.  1 vote

Sarah Braud: Arrogance: often wrong, but never in doubt.  1 vote

(As of  midnight April 7)

Mar 132011
 

Last year's aphorism contest finalists in the deciding match (computer generated simulation)

 

The Second Annual Numéro Cinq Aphorism Contest


The wheel of the year has turned and once again we find ourselves facing the daunting task of writing aphorisms for BIG PRIZES. The “wheel of the year” is a reference to the ancient cyclical view of time, that is, time viewed as something like a gerbil’s exercise wheel—the Wheel of Ixion of myth or Nietzsche’s Eternal Recurrence. At NC, as in the Universe as a Whole, if you wait long enough everything happens again. In this case, it’s time for the second annual Numéro Cinq Aphorism Contest.

Submissions March 15-31.

Submit by entering your aphorism in a comment box beneath this post.

Submissions must be no more than 150 words in length.

Do not enter a submission unless you have figured out what an aphorism is first.* But once you have figured it out, you can enter more than once.

Wit and arrogance appreciated.

Contest open to absolutely everyone including employees of Numéro Cinq, their significant others, children, and small pets.

First Prize — Instant Worldwide (e)Publication w/ commentary.

Plus honours & laurels.

*If you’re stuck, look aphorisms up on the web. Generally speaking, they are terse, pointed sayings meant to provoke thought and argument. There are several basic types, but they often set up as definitions or clever balanced antitheses or even puns. Here is a page called Aphorisms of Famous People. Here is one called Aphorisms4all. Identify different forms and try them all.**

**If you’re really, really stuck, just copy and paste from last year’s contest. The Official Judges’ Long List is here. The People’s Choice Winner is here. And the Official Winner is here.