Apr 112011

NC Contest Judges up to their typical hijinks


The esteemed & sapient Numéro Cinq judges were retrieved last night from a whisky bar called 9 Maple Avenue in Saratoga Springs where they claimed to have been listening to jazz but were mostly involved in a drinking game that required each judge in turn to begin reciting Homer’s Iliad in Greek backwards from the end. As soon as a judge made a mistake, he or she was forced to down (reluctantly) a shot of Talisker amid a fusillade of jeers, witty jibes, mockery, insult and derision. The competition was so fierce that the police were called and several judges had to leave and were discovered later scampering naked in Congress Park. DG tells you this so that you understand the intellectual caliber and reach of the NC arbiters of high art and taste, also the immense pressure they are under and the inventive and creative ways they find to blow of steam, as it were.

After DG forced the judges, some still in bathrobes, to drink pots of coffee at Virgil’s coffee shop, they were able to issue the following list of finalists for this year’s official Aphorism Contest (not to be confused with the People’s Choice Contest which you wonderful readers have already adjudicated).

Read the finalists below. The full list of entries is here.


2011 Numéro Cinq Aphorism Contest Official Finalists

Human Nature – oft cited excuse for the inhuman(e) and unnatural.

Lynne Quarmby


You know you’re in trouble when you envy the girl in the “before” picture.

Sarah Braud


Daylight Savings: jet lag without travel.

Steven Axelrod


Truth prowls in the mansions of wit.

Shelagh Shapiro


More than one coincidence is more than just coincidence.

Adam Arvidson


The advantage of drawing a line in the sand is that it won’t be there tomorrow.

Sheila Stuewe


To speak of heaven is to underestimate eternity.

John Webster


  15 Responses to “2011 Numéro Cinq Aphorism Contest Official Finalists”

  1. Wow. No easy job to pick one of these.

  2. Yes, they’re all rather good. And there were several others very close.

    Er…according to the judges, I mean.

  3. I’m sorry I missed the naked scampering.

  4. Love these. Way to go Sheila!

  5. I am annoyed. That Talisker was expensive – and then they turn in a list this long?

  6. These are very fine indeed. I plan to start using them so often that, by next year, they’ll be cliche. To the judges, I recommend some nice peppermint tea for recovery from all that stress.

  7. when i was drinking my talisker last night, i thought, “that’s it. im drawing a line in the sand, and acknowledge that sheila’s aphorism is the miles ahead of everyones.” when i woke up, though, the thought was gone. it had washed away. what was left was just the same thoughts of an arrogant chubby girl, the who envy’s the girl in the before picture, who still thinks hers is the best. sorry, sheila. there are advantages to drawing lines in sands.

    • you rock dear sarah braud.

      • As for drawing lines in the sand – I like mine a bit curvier, like one of my favorite signs “~” – circa, approximately, ungefaehr. That little sign gives me just a little bit of wiggle room.

  8. Lynn should get credit for my submission.

  9. Sarah I love yours for I do find myself routing for the girls in the before photos, seing that my before was far better than my after, but there is still time.

  10. Actually, it was Fraces’ entry that caused my reactions. So please give Fraces credit. I’m just a hack.

  11. Dear Sheila and Sarah,
    Truth is prowling in your good-natured human (and witty) bickering; winning no doubt will be heavenly for a while (if not for an eternity), and it’s no coincidence yours were chosen…no untimely lagging behind the rest for the likes of you!

    • I wish the lines around my eyes, were like the lines I have inexcusable drawn in the sand. Then I might look again like the “After” photo – too many afters have found there way onto my thighs, below my eyes, and around my ever-growing belly.

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