Apr 082010
 

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Throughout my past 16 years, I haven’t encountered an adventure as menacing as the one that I had over the phone with a 17-year-old girl, at about 11:00 P.M. ending at roughly 11:30 P.M., Wednesday. The conversation went as follows.

Jonah: Hello (said in a cool 16-year-old voice that is dispensed in a most laid back way).

Girl: Heyyyy (the extra y’s are to indicate the excitement and length of the initial greeting).

Jonah: How’s it going? (Also said in a laid back way, conveying to the listening girl that I am macho and don’t need society’s formal greetings.)

Girl: I’m ok.

Jonah: Why just ok? (Idiot Jonah! You’ve stumbled straight into her trap, you’ll have to listen to minutes of uninteresting gabbing about people you don’t know nor care about.)

Girl: Well you know….(I wonder when this will end) and then she was like….(I should probably try and pick up a name so I can say something like ‘So what happened to Mary next?’)…she’s such a slut and a whore….(can you give her my number then?)…and so anyway I was like (looks like she’s wrapping up, better chuckle)… but that’s really it.

Jonah: Heh heh.

Girl: So anyway how are you?

Jonah: (Another devious trap set by the adolescent girl! Do I echo her by telling her I’m just ok? Or do I say I’m bad to get her sympathy. No, no, she’ll think I’m a baby if I say bad, who says bad? Sheesh, Jonah, get your head in the game!) I’m good.

Girl: That’s good. (Damn, she’s completely uninterested in why I’m good. This is bad news. Better pull out all the stops for the next thing you say!)

Jonah: You looked really pretty today. (He shoots…)

Girl: Aww, thanks! (And he scores!)

Jonah: (Think, Jonah! It’s a crucial moment! Think of something funny to say, something outlandish and strange yet appealing and cute. Do I know any Helen Keller jokes? Would she appreciate a blonde joke? Is she blonde? Damn! Ok, ok, hmm….) Uhh…Earthworms have both male and female reproductive parts!

Girl: Uhh….Kay (Oh no! Red Alert! All units to the front lines! She’s said Kay! She’s shortening an abbreviation!) I think I’ve got to go.

Jonah: Ahh, ok. (You’ve done it now, Jonah. No way she’s going out with you.)

Girl: Bye. (Damn it, no see ya later or bye babe or anything)

Jonah: Bu—

Girl: **Click**

Jonah: Fuck.

—Jonah Glover

  17 Responses to “Talking to a 17-Year-Old Girl, When You are a 16-Year-Old Boy: Micro-Memoir — Jonah Glover”

  1. This is probably the most realistic piece I’ve ever read.

  2. Oh, that was great. I’m still laughing.

  3. There are very interesting careers in biology, Jonah.

  4. It’s raining talented Glover men!

  5. When she’s 40, you’ll still be in your 30′s. Take heart, young man.

  6. Jonah is sad for obvious reasons.

    • Is this the ultimate Numero Cinq in-joke now? :)

      dg

      • When there is an inside joke within a website it is called a ‘meme’ and when something becomes an inside joke someone has to declare it. For example:

        “_____ is sad for obvious reasons” is now meme.

        • Absolutely. I love memes. Along with “All your base are belong to us,” this one may be my favorite. :-)

          • Geez, Jonah, thanks for the lesson. You are so way ahead of me.

            Oh, BTW, you are no longer my son.

            Rich, thanks for encouraging him. You are no longer my son either.

            dg

            p.s. Just to expose the extent of my ignorance to the withering stares of our myriad readers, where does this other meme you mention come from?

    • Oh to be seventeen again!

      But Jonah, things are not so bad for you: you read Latin! Time to get out your Ovid (the Ars Amatoria, that is) and take a few hints from the sexiest poet in Rome.

      • “First let faith enter into your mind: every one of them
        can be won: you’ll win her, if you only set your snares.
        Birds will sooner be silent in the Spring, cicadas in summer,
        an Arcadian hound turn his back on a hare,
        than a woman refuse a young man’s flattering words:
        Even she you might think dislikes it, will like it.
        Secret love’s just as pleasing to women as men.
        Men pretend badly: she hides her desire.
        If it was proper for men not to be the first to ask,
        woman’s role would be to take the part of the asker.
        The cow lows to the bull in gentle pastures:
        the mare whinnies to the hoofed stallion.”
        Ovid

  7. Haha, nooo. -shakes fist at sky- I take it back!

    Well, we’re even now, Doug, because I must once again expose my extreme case of “nerd” to the world by telling you where it came from.

    “All your base are belong to us” originated in a very badly translated video game for the Sega Mega Drive in 1989. No one really noticed this game, as it was pretty average, but somehow the mistranslated dialogue resurfaced sometime in the early 2000′s and became a huge thing. I don’t know if it’s still up, but there was once a website where people would go around and write the phrase in weird spots – beaches, graffiti, etc. Also, a few years back, some kids posted notes with the phrase all around Sturgis, Michigan, as an April Fool’s joke, and the chief of police considered it a “borderline terrorist threat.”

    For the record, the proper translation is “We now control all of your bases” (it’s an outer space/military type game).

  8. And here I thought Meme was a French expression meaning Granny. Thank you. Now I don’t have to expose anything…but maybe I already have…where’s the delete button here?

  9. Jonah – your story is PERFECT.
    and now I know what a meme is! I think…

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