Throughout my past 16 years, I haven’t encountered an adventure as menacing as the one that I had over the phone with a 17-year-old girl, at about 11:00 P.M. ending at roughly 11:30 P.M., Wednesday. The conversation went as follows.
Jonah: Hello (said in a cool 16-year-old voice that is dispensed in a most laid back way).
Girl: Heyyyy (the extra y’s are to indicate the excitement and length of the initial greeting).
Jonah: How’s it going? (Also said in a laid back way, conveying to the listening girl that I am macho and don’t need society’s formal greetings.)
Girl: I’m ok.
Jonah: Why just ok? (Idiot Jonah! You’ve stumbled straight into her trap, you’ll have to listen to minutes of uninteresting gabbing about people you don’t know nor care about.)
Girl: Well you know….(I wonder when this will end) and then she was like….(I should probably try and pick up a name so I can say something like ‘So what happened to Mary next?’)…she’s such a slut and a whore….(can you give her my number then?)…and so anyway I was like (looks like she’s wrapping up, better chuckle)… but that’s really it.
Jonah: Heh heh.
Girl: So anyway how are you?
Jonah: (Another devious trap set by the adolescent girl! Do I echo her by telling her I’m just ok? Or do I say I’m bad to get her sympathy. No, no, she’ll think I’m a baby if I say bad, who says bad? Sheesh, Jonah, get your head in the game!) I’m good.
Girl: That’s good. (Damn, she’s completely uninterested in why I’m good. This is bad news. Better pull out all the stops for the next thing you say!)
Jonah: You looked really pretty today. (He shoots…)
Girl: Aww, thanks! (And he scores!)
Jonah: (Think, Jonah! It’s a crucial moment! Think of something funny to say, something outlandish and strange yet appealing and cute. Do I know any Helen Keller jokes? Would she appreciate a blonde joke? Is she blonde? Damn! Ok, ok, hmm….) Uhh…Earthworms have both male and female reproductive parts!
Girl: Uhh….Kay (Oh no! Red Alert! All units to the front lines! She’s said Kay! She’s shortening an abbreviation!) I think I’ve got to go.
Jonah: Ahh, ok. (You’ve done it now, Jonah. No way she’s going out with you.)
Girl: Bye. (Damn it, no see ya later or bye babe or anything)